Things I Never Say

alright. let's begin. this is going to be depressing - so don't read if you're in a good mood. i'll bet cash that this will bring it right down.

i feel useless. i'm a disappointment. i'm a spec in the shadow of what my brothers have already done with their life. mike is flourishing in the military, everyone loves to talk about what he's doing with his life, he's got an amazing girlfriend, and he's going to college. he graduated high school with some of the top marks, lots of scholarships... Tim is going into solar energy. everyone likes to talk about how intelligent he is, how creative he is.

i'm just the daughter that dropped out for the stupid "oh, she's just lazy and doesn't WANT to handle school", kept a temp-job for three months, and now her rich aunt is paying to have her go to counseling. i'm just the youngest daughter. i'm not doing anything with my life. i don't even know why i keep bothering to get up in the mornings. I mean. What do I do?

I cry and get angry because I don't know myself anymore. I don't know how to fix anything that's wrong with me. Everything feels like it's wrapped in a gauze-haze... and there's no way to clear it away. I'm always either angry or just smiling to make everyone else stop giving me that stupid fucking look. that look. the one where they're all pitying me. i'm either angry because i'm tired of looking in the mirror and asking, "who are you?" or i'm angry for no reason at all. i'm always sad for no reason too - or because i just let myself think again, because even my thoughts betray me now.

I shrink away from my friends, because none of them understand. and none of you possibly can. there will be a few friends who will read that and think, "oh, i can" - well no, you fucking can't. and it doesn't help when they try to press on me how much they understand. cause you know what? they're probably going to read this and relate it to themselves in all the wrong directions. I can think of one friend who might understand, and Kelsey, I love you.

Most of my friends, I only seem to get on their nerves now, because I'm in too much of a haze to react - and the only way I can seem to react to anything is to be angry, or to cry. Even just now, I seem to have only gotten on their nerves over some stupid thing with letting the dogs out. Being around them is difficult because I'm not who I was. I'm not me. And they don't get it - no matter how many times I say "I'm sad" they seem to think it's just gonna go away. They treat it like it's just gonna go away. I feel like they expect me to set it aside and pretend i'm fine. I feel like they don't care. I feel like no matter how many times I try to explain, as much as I can in words, "i'm just. not. happy." that there's no reason, no cause that I can name - they don't seem to understand what i mean. they don't seem to get it - and that only makes me feel like being around them is a waste of time.

Hanging out with Jeb, Jess, and Tyler used to be this great thing I did to cheer myself up, and now, that only seems to make it worse. Jeb seems to be treating everything indifferently. I don't feel like he even notices how different i've gotten. I don't think Tyler really knows, but he and i haven ever been that close to begin with. Jess... I think she realizes that I'm not okay, but I don't think she understands just how broken I am right now.

I think everyone has... this little fort inside themselves. That fort is everything they are. It's what keeps them sane. It's where every precious feeling - everything is inside that fort. and it's the only thing that keeps out the hurt, and the pain. It's the only place you can retreat to when the world comes charging. And I feel like my fort? I feel like it's been burned down - destroyed, gone. It's as if I'm standing in the middle of a field, filled only with blackened rubble and ash.

I can't feel happy anymore. Nothing feels worth while. Joy is fleeting. I can be... I don't know what to call it. Picture yourself in the middle of water far too deep to stand in. That's what joy is like these days. A feeling of keeping my head just above the water - but a part of me is still underneath, and if I do manage to pull myself further out - it's like gravity just pulls me right back down.

And no one can help with the feeling, either. I don't know what to do. They don't. There seems to be no answer to ever feeling normal again. And I feel like telling people about this - honestly telling them every thought - would only make them freak out like i'm some stupid suicidal kid. I don't want to die. I want to live - but this isn't living. And I don't know how to start again. And neither does anyone else.

Life seems to have lost all meaning for me. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep endlessly. Sleeping is so much easier - and since I never seem to dream, I can just sink into the black and be away from everything. And lately, as pathetic as I feel for not doing a thing in my life - all I want is to sink into sleep.

i never thought i'd grow up to be this sad.

O'Malley, the Alley Cat.

So I kind of failed on remembering that I even have one of these things. Cause seriously. I epically forgot that this existed for a few months. So much has been going on, that I guess putting it all down seemed a little more complicated than it's worth. Doesn't really matter, though. I'll just post now - at the end of 2010 and tell you all what's been going on since then. ... Wow, a lot has happened. Prepare to strap in for a mouth full!

Let's see. I left off in July. That was before school started. So, I should probably tell you that I'm no longer in school. I had to drop out. I'm not pregnant, you dirty birds. I didn't go out and do the naughty and actually allow myself to be stupid enough to get pregnant. Only dumb bitches let that happen - and by dumb, I mean obviously horribly irresponsible people, and people who just... I don't know. I guess there are the rare cases that didn't mean to, and it just kind of happened - but the only cases I've ever encountered were stupid. So we're going with stupid.

Oh, as a by the way, my title? That's because I'm having a Disney night with my friend Jessica. She's become kind of like a sister to me in the past couple of months. Though today, I'm having trouble feeling closer to her like normal. :/ I guess it's kind of stupid, but it matters to me. Recap time.

Okay, every time a holiday comes up, Jeb (best male friend ever; we met in sixth grade and have been tight ever since) and his father (who I look at like a beloved uncle/godfather) go away to either Yvonne's (Jeb's older sister; John's daughter from his first marriage) or a place in Ohio. Now, I'm okay when I get left behind for Ohio. That's when they go see John's mother. I can understand not being taken along in those cases, because they usually only go over there for stuff like Christmas, and I wanna be with my family for that, ya know? But it's like... Jessica always gets to go along when they go to Yvonne's in Virginia. And I feel left behind. She keeps telling me, "but babe, you'll meet them eventually." Yea. That's great. But every time they plan to go - I'm not invited. I don't know. It's kind of stupid - but I guess I just hate being left here.

Sure. I could go hang out at Tyler's, but Tyler and I don't know each other that well, and what would we do? We can't hang at my place, and I don't think we can hang at his either. It would just not work out. I know it's probably silly to let it bother me this much, but seriously. Jessica always goes along, because she's Jeb's girlfriend. Tyler's met Yvonne. I'm the only one who can only smile and nod - pretending I can possibly understand why the stories are so funny. I don't know the people behind them, and I wasn't there. To me, it's just a story. It's not as funny to me, no matter how much they crack up when they tell me - so I end up just smiling, saying "yea, sounds great."

Yea. :/ Sounds great.

Anyway... Where was I? Oh yea. I just finished talking about school.

I went to school up until the end of October, but then I kind of cracked and decided it wasn't going to work. However, it wasn't until about this time last week that I actually left. It's been a long process, but it's over and done - It's not my problem anymore. Now I just need my G.E.D...

I'm working on getting better. Mom was the first to realize that after almost fourteen years of what I went through as a child, that I needed time to get over things. It's like the cork was let off the bottle - and now it's all coming out. It's a pain in the ass. I cry all the time and I never feel completely normal. I just want to feel normal again. I don't wanna feel like breaking down anymore... I want it to stop. But somehow, I don't think this is the kind of thing that ever really gets better. I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that you... progressively accept, and manage to put behind you - but I'm also almost positive that this is something that will likely stay with me forever.

Oh, and let's not even get into my job. I got one at the Big Lots up the street. It was great, and I held the job until, again, just last week, but things didn't exactly... work out, is all. I really wanted it all to work out, but it just couldn't, I suppose. Oh well. At least now I can list some kind of job experience.

Let's see. What else? Oh yea. Now that I'm thinking of Jessica and Jeb, I'm thinking about relationships. I'm thinking about relationships - boyfriends - and my lack thereof. I hate that all of a sudden, I feel the weight of being alone. I don't know what it is, but I'm blaming it on all of this unstable cork-off-the-bottle bullshit. I used to be fine. I used to not really care if I was single or not - but now, sometimes, when I see couples getting all cushy with each other, I just get sad, and angry. I've never understood why, but I just can't seem to be happy.

I've had boyfriends, but none of them ever quite... did it. I'm not looking for Prince Perfect Charming. Hell no. I know that it's never going to turn out that way - I just want one guy who isn't a douchebag to be close by... Because the only guy I ever really liked that wasn't? Moved to Georgia. Which is, of course, just my luck. I see him when he comes up to visit his aunt, but that's not a real thing. That's... That's just never going to work. I've given up on it.

And sometimes, I wonder if my mom is right, and I'm really gonna have to deal with the fact that I'm probably going to be alone until I'm older - and all guys aren't so stupid.

Sometimes, I wonder if mom is wrong, and I'm just gonna have to deal with being alone. :/ cause either I can't stand him - or I'm just not good enough.

Whatever.. Moving on.

So, I'm hanging out with Jessica tonight. We're watching all of our favorite (and available) Disney movies. We've already watched Lion King II, Return to Pride Rock. We're finishing up Aristocats now, and then... Well, I'm not sure. I'm going to have to delve into my bag soon, I think. I might wanna go get that.

I think... That's all, for now. Maybe in a couple of months, I'll have something else to talk about. :/

Until next time:

Ghost Out.

Chapter I: But Why is the Rum Gone?

It’s been roughly a week. I figured I would be all nice and whatnot; you know, update this thing. I’m gonna try to honestly keep up with this blog thing. After all, what’s the point in having it if I never use it? If I’m never going to update it, then I might as well get rid of it – but I’m honestly trying to put my thoughts somewhere instead of in the bottle, like I have been for almost ten years. Isn’t it horrible when you can say “I haven’t done that in ten years”? I feel just a bit too old when I say that kind of thing but I won’t turn eighteen for another…what, five months? Maybe I shouldn’t be saying that I feel old, but I do. It’s that whole “I’m too young to feel this damn old” deal. But whatever…

So, I’ve been doing pretty much nothing. I did go to my friend Mikala’s house for a few days. That was fun. It was about four days and three nights of utter nonsense but it was all quite hilarious and such what. We talked about boys, talked about sex, talked about people, talked about games, played video games, stayed outside in the heat until ten at night, dumped ice water over each other’s heads, and did other silly things that made us laugh until a rest room was need. All terribly wonderful – it makes me sad that the summer is ending.

I HAVEN’T MET HER BUT I ALREADY HATE MY NEW ENGLISH TEACHER. D:<>

So Chris is enjoying Florida for the weekend. I think he gets back on Monday. I miss him, but I’m currently a little sick so I haven’t had too much time to feel horrible about it. It did make me rather sad when he told me that he’d be gone the entire weekend and that he wasn’t likely to have his phone on him. But I figure that I’m handling it better than some other people I know – unlike the people I’m thinking of, I don’t cry and sob because plans to see the boyfriend or whatever don’t work out. But I’m a little better about keeping myself together even without the boyfriend around. Though, I’m missing the nightly phone calls we had going. I guess things get busy. But there isn’t much to be done except keep going on with life, aye? – I love you babe. (:

My friend Lily is going off to college soon. And I’m going to miss her very much. ): There isn’t much else to be said about that, except that I’m going to really hate not having her around. She’s so awesome and such an amazing person. But I know she’ll do a fantastic job at Fairmount. Good luck, love.

Since I’m watching the POTC marathon they’re having on USA, I’m going to end this here and say adieu, until next time.

Prologue: the Basic Need-to-Knows

To be perfectly honest, I only got this blog to watch my friend Kelsey's blog; someone told me once that a blog, or an internet journal is a great way to keep yourself sane. Even if it's the only way you can vent your thoughts and get things, no matter how big or how little, off your chest - it can do you wonders. Wonders that I'm sure most of us can hardly even imagine. Personally, I think having someone, anyone, just one person - just one person that I trust reading my blog? That alone would be enough to put my mind to rest. Someone there to listen - someone there to remind me that I'm not just talking to myself.

Anyway, since I have the blog, I guess I'll do the smart thing and take my own advice, you know? I can use it to get some things off my chest and talk, even though I'm pretty sure that not many people are gonna read because, let's get real - how many of my friends honestly, truly pay attention? If I had to guess, here's my list: Lily, Kelsey, Mikala, Jeb, Chris, and Jasi. And if I'm being bluntly honest, I'm not even entirely sure that everyone on that list listens to me as much as I'd like. That's just being optimistic. I should probably point out that I'm not usually a very optimistic person; being pessimistic is easier for me. I've never really been positive. Positive has gotten me more tears and sad nights than it has happy moments.

In case you can't tell, life has given me more reasons to doubt the good things and have faith in things going wrong. I'll get into that as it comes up, but don't worry; all of that will come in time. Not right now, of course. Silly you. Expecting answers right away- that's funny. Stupid, but funny. I'm not horribly open. That's another problem. See. While I'm sure that this blog WILL be a great chance for me to get shit off my chest and let things go - all that wonderful jazz and nonsense. While that is all true, the first problem that I have to get past is my complete unwillingness to trust in anything immediately.

So that's something we're gonna work on.

Okay. To finish off, here's a rapid fire of random facts about myself; I'm almost a legal adult. I'm in school. I'm the youngest of three. I have two brothers. My parents are separated and planning to divorce. I write. I love most kinds of music. I've tried smoking. I've tasted alcohol. I like to watch shows like Burn Notice and NCIS. I'm nonreligious. I like and collect knives. I support the troops. I hate politics but I'm a killer at debate. I'm planning on majoring in Behavioral Psychology in college and minoring in English. I've had several poems published, I've written two books; neither of which have been published. I'm almost cruelly blunt, smarter than I act, more mature than I let on, and not easily fooled, I don't like liars - so don't bother trying. A lot of people think I'm this aggressive person, but I'm really not. I'm pretty chill and laid back about most things. I'm actually a pacifist. So, yea.

Well. That's all I got for right now. I might come up with more later. It's officially three AM. Kelsey, if you're reading this- be proud of yourself. I got a blog. XD and it's just to follow yours. and, you know, attempt to do healthy things like... vent. XD

Good night and farewell for now.