alright. let's begin. this is going to be depressing - so don't read if you're in a good mood. i'll bet cash that this will bring it right down.
i feel useless. i'm a disappointment. i'm a spec in the shadow of what my brothers have already done with their life. mike is flourishing in the military, everyone loves to talk about what he's doing with his life, he's got an amazing girlfriend, and he's going to college. he graduated high school with some of the top marks, lots of scholarships... Tim is going into solar energy. everyone likes to talk about how intelligent he is, how creative he is.
i'm just the daughter that dropped out for the stupid "oh, she's just lazy and doesn't WANT to handle school", kept a temp-job for three months, and now her rich aunt is paying to have her go to counseling. i'm just the youngest daughter. i'm not doing anything with my life. i don't even know why i keep bothering to get up in the mornings. I mean. What do I do?
I cry and get angry because I don't know myself anymore. I don't know how to fix anything that's wrong with me. Everything feels like it's wrapped in a gauze-haze... and there's no way to clear it away. I'm always either angry or just smiling to make everyone else stop giving me that stupid fucking look. that look. the one where they're all pitying me. i'm either angry because i'm tired of looking in the mirror and asking, "who are you?" or i'm angry for no reason at all. i'm always sad for no reason too - or because i just let myself think again, because even my thoughts betray me now.
I shrink away from my friends, because none of them understand. and none of you possibly can. there will be a few friends who will read that and think, "oh, i can" - well no, you fucking can't. and it doesn't help when they try to press on me how much they understand. cause you know what? they're probably going to read this and relate it to themselves in all the wrong directions. I can think of one friend who might understand, and Kelsey, I love you.
Most of my friends, I only seem to get on their nerves now, because I'm in too much of a haze to react - and the only way I can seem to react to anything is to be angry, or to cry. Even just now, I seem to have only gotten on their nerves over some stupid thing with letting the dogs out. Being around them is difficult because I'm not who I was. I'm not me. And they don't get it - no matter how many times I say "I'm sad" they seem to think it's just gonna go away. They treat it like it's just gonna go away. I feel like they expect me to set it aside and pretend i'm fine. I feel like they don't care. I feel like no matter how many times I try to explain, as much as I can in words, "i'm just. not. happy." that there's no reason, no cause that I can name - they don't seem to understand what i mean. they don't seem to get it - and that only makes me feel like being around them is a waste of time.
Hanging out with Jeb, Jess, and Tyler used to be this great thing I did to cheer myself up, and now, that only seems to make it worse. Jeb seems to be treating everything indifferently. I don't feel like he even notices how different i've gotten. I don't think Tyler really knows, but he and i haven ever been that close to begin with. Jess... I think she realizes that I'm not okay, but I don't think she understands just how broken I am right now.
I think everyone has... this little fort inside themselves. That fort is everything they are. It's what keeps them sane. It's where every precious feeling - everything is inside that fort. and it's the only thing that keeps out the hurt, and the pain. It's the only place you can retreat to when the world comes charging. And I feel like my fort? I feel like it's been burned down - destroyed, gone. It's as if I'm standing in the middle of a field, filled only with blackened rubble and ash.
I can't feel happy anymore. Nothing feels worth while. Joy is fleeting. I can be... I don't know what to call it. Picture yourself in the middle of water far too deep to stand in. That's what joy is like these days. A feeling of keeping my head just above the water - but a part of me is still underneath, and if I do manage to pull myself further out - it's like gravity just pulls me right back down.
And no one can help with the feeling, either. I don't know what to do. They don't. There seems to be no answer to ever feeling normal again. And I feel like telling people about this - honestly telling them every thought - would only make them freak out like i'm some stupid suicidal kid. I don't want to die. I want to live - but this isn't living. And I don't know how to start again. And neither does anyone else.
Life seems to have lost all meaning for me. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep endlessly. Sleeping is so much easier - and since I never seem to dream, I can just sink into the black and be away from everything. And lately, as pathetic as I feel for not doing a thing in my life - all I want is to sink into sleep.
i never thought i'd grow up to be this sad.
