Let's see. I left off in July. That was before school started. So, I should probably tell you that I'm no longer in school. I had to drop out. I'm not pregnant, you dirty birds. I didn't go out and do the naughty and actually allow myself to be stupid enough to get pregnant. Only dumb bitches let that happen - and by dumb, I mean obviously horribly irresponsible people, and people who just... I don't know. I guess there are the rare cases that didn't mean to, and it just kind of happened - but the only cases I've ever encountered were stupid. So we're going with stupid.
Oh, as a by the way, my title? That's because I'm having a Disney night with my friend Jessica. She's become kind of like a sister to me in the past couple of months. Though today, I'm having trouble feeling closer to her like normal. :/ I guess it's kind of stupid, but it matters to me. Recap time.
Okay, every time a holiday comes up, Jeb (best male friend ever; we met in sixth grade and have been tight ever since) and his father (who I look at like a beloved uncle/godfather) go away to either Yvonne's (Jeb's older sister; John's daughter from his first marriage) or a place in Ohio. Now, I'm okay when I get left behind for Ohio. That's when they go see John's mother. I can understand not being taken along in those cases, because they usually only go over there for stuff like Christmas, and I wanna be with my family for that, ya know? But it's like... Jessica always gets to go along when they go to Yvonne's in Virginia. And I feel left behind. She keeps telling me, "but babe, you'll meet them eventually." Yea. That's great. But every time they plan to go - I'm not invited. I don't know. It's kind of stupid - but I guess I just hate being left here.
Sure. I could go hang out at Tyler's, but Tyler and I don't know each other that well, and what would we do? We can't hang at my place, and I don't think we can hang at his either. It would just not work out. I know it's probably silly to let it bother me this much, but seriously. Jessica always goes along, because she's Jeb's girlfriend. Tyler's met Yvonne. I'm the only one who can only smile and nod - pretending I can possibly understand why the stories are so funny. I don't know the people behind them, and I wasn't there. To me, it's just a story. It's not as funny to me, no matter how much they crack up when they tell me - so I end up just smiling, saying "yea, sounds great."
Yea. :/ Sounds great.
Anyway... Where was I? Oh yea. I just finished talking about school.
I went to school up until the end of October, but then I kind of cracked and decided it wasn't going to work. However, it wasn't until about this time last week that I actually left. It's been a long process, but it's over and done - It's not my problem anymore. Now I just need my G.E.D...
I'm working on getting better. Mom was the first to realize that after almost fourteen years of what I went through as a child, that I needed time to get over things. It's like the cork was let off the bottle - and now it's all coming out. It's a pain in the ass. I cry all the time and I never feel completely normal. I just want to feel normal again. I don't wanna feel like breaking down anymore... I want it to stop. But somehow, I don't think this is the kind of thing that ever really gets better. I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that you... progressively accept, and manage to put behind you - but I'm also almost positive that this is something that will likely stay with me forever.
Oh, and let's not even get into my job. I got one at the Big Lots up the street. It was great, and I held the job until, again, just last week, but things didn't exactly... work out, is all. I really wanted it all to work out, but it just couldn't, I suppose. Oh well. At least now I can list some kind of job experience.
Let's see. What else? Oh yea. Now that I'm thinking of Jessica and Jeb, I'm thinking about relationships. I'm thinking about relationships - boyfriends - and my lack thereof. I hate that all of a sudden, I feel the weight of being alone. I don't know what it is, but I'm blaming it on all of this unstable cork-off-the-bottle bullshit. I used to be fine. I used to not really care if I was single or not - but now, sometimes, when I see couples getting all cushy with each other, I just get sad, and angry. I've never understood why, but I just can't seem to be happy.
I've had boyfriends, but none of them ever quite... did it. I'm not looking for Prince Perfect Charming. Hell no. I know that it's never going to turn out that way - I just want one guy who isn't a douchebag to be close by... Because the only guy I ever really liked that wasn't? Moved to Georgia. Which is, of course, just my luck. I see him when he comes up to visit his aunt, but that's not a real thing. That's... That's just never going to work. I've given up on it.
And sometimes, I wonder if my mom is right, and I'm really gonna have to deal with the fact that I'm probably going to be alone until I'm older - and all guys aren't so stupid.
Sometimes, I wonder if mom is wrong, and I'm just gonna have to deal with being alone. :/ cause either I can't stand him - or I'm just not good enough.
Whatever.. Moving on.
So, I'm hanging out with Jessica tonight. We're watching all of our favorite (and available) Disney movies. We've already watched Lion King II, Return to Pride Rock. We're finishing up Aristocats now, and then... Well, I'm not sure. I'm going to have to delve into my bag soon, I think. I might wanna go get that.
I think... That's all, for now. Maybe in a couple of months, I'll have something else to talk about. :/
Until next time:
Ghost Out.
